


Too many streets, too many names

by ca_te



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, M/M, Romance, Sexual Content, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-26
Updated: 2011-08-26
Packaged: 2017-10-23 02:34:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/245336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ca_te/pseuds/ca_te
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After having discovered Merlin's magic Arthur grew more distant, in the meanwhile Merlin and Gwaine grew closer...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Too many streets, too many names

**Author's Note:**

> For the title I too inspiration from the song "Too many streets" by Paolo Nutini. Thanks to archaeologist_d and inspired_being for the beta!

**  
**

A bird flew high over his head and Merlin’s gaze tracked it through the branches of the trees surrounding him. As someone collided with him he let out a small puff of breath. For an instant Merlin leaned back, seeking the contact. The chest pressing against his back was broad and solid; it made him think of a safe harbour in the middle of a storm. It made him think of safety and warmth.

A laugh washed over him and he grinned up at the red and yellow leaves over his head. Firm hands gripped his shoulders and spun him around. Gwaine’s eyes were bright with amusement and his lips were curved into a cheeky grin.

“You should be careful, Merlin, or a certain prince could scold you”, he said.

As if to prove the truth of the knight’s words, Arthur’s voice came through the fresh air.

“Have you finished slowing us down, Merlin?”

Gwaine snorted and Merlin playfully shoved him. They both quickened their pace to catch up with the prince. As they walked side by side Merlin focused on the sound of Gwaine’s breath. Sometimes Merlin felt as if he could _sense_ the other’s man energy, it was just so strong and free.  It was completely different from Arthur’s; he had seen the prince’s strength but somehow it was calmer and more guarded. Gwaine wasn’t afraid to show his true self to the world as Arthur was.

Walking in silence through the woods, the three men came to an abrupt halt when Arthur motioned them to stop.  Gwaine immediately moved in front of Merlin, shielding him, and the warlock was sure that his cheeks were bright red. No one had ever done something like that for him, well, except for Arthur. He took a deep breath and kept his gaze on Gwaine’s broad back.

The bandits rushed towards them, their swords shining in the half-light of the underwood. As always, he waited as Gwaine and Arthur fought against the other men, all strength and precision. Merlin knew that it probably wasn’t the right moment but he couldn’t help thinking that they were beautiful; there was such great energy and determination underneath every single movement.

He sighed as he saw a bandit approaching Arthur from behind. He quickly glanced around and, when he was sure that Gwaine wasn’t looking at him, he concentrated on the man and whispered a few  words to send the bandit flying backwards. Gwaine quickly glanced in his direction and Merlin swallowed hard before shrugging. It was then that he spotted the man approaching from behind the knight’s back.

“Gwaine, watch your back!”

The knight quickly spun around and sent the attacker to the ground without effort. Merlin felt a swirl of pride surging inside himself and couldn’t help grinning. After the last bandits ran away, Gwaine walked over to him and slung an arm around Merlin’s shoulders.

“Thanks, man! You saved my ass!”

Merlin laughed and, as Gwaine joined him, he felt lighter than ever. To be close to the knight was easy and comfortable; there weren’t all the barriers which stood between Arthur and him, even though he knew that they were bound together stronger than what people-or Arthur himself- could imagine.

“Well Camelot needs your knighted ass, right?”

It felt good to be free to joke with Gwaine, because that was what friends were supposed to do. Before the knight could answer Arthur walked up to them, his eyes hard.

“Stop the chit-chat! We’ve got to be back in Camelot before nightfall.”

Gwaine made a face and Arthur playfully punched his arm before turning and starting to walk through the clearing. Merlin wondered if it was normal to wish that Arthur would touch him like that too. He knew that it would be ever harder now, though. Arthur was not over the discovery of his magic after all and it hurt to think that maybe the friendship they had slowly built over time wasn’t strong enough. That _they_ weren’t strong enough.

 _The night was as dark and deep as a well and Merlin felt a shiver run up and down his spine. He quickly glanced over at Arthur who was standing a few feet away, his features tense with concentration. Merlin wanted to tell him to be careful because he could sense something was off._

 _Before he could open his mouth to speak, his eyes were blinded by a powerful light and he fell to the ground as Arthur’s body collided with his own. If he had any doubts, now they had disappeared; whoever was attacking them had magic. He helped Arthur get up and stood behind him, trying to spot the one responsible for the explosion. A skinny man was standing there, his hand outstretched and his eyes already gleaming gold._

 _Even though Arthur was a great warrior, Merlin knew that he wouldn’t stand a chance against the power the man was radiating. So he did it, he just let all the magic flow out of him, because Arthur was his to protect and to love._

 _The other warlock flew backwards, hit his back hard against the ground and lay there, motionless. Merlin tried his best to keep himself upright but his knees gave away and he fell to the ground. He wanted to call to Arthur, to tell him to turn and look at him, but the fear of his reaction had silenced him, so he just stared at Arthur’s back, trying to breathe because all at once his lungs seemed unable to work._

 _Arthur didn’t turn; his voice was shaky and low  when he ordered Merlin to move. It was hard to get up, he had never felt so heavy in his whole life, but he had to follow Arthur, he had to make him understand._

 _They rode back to Camelot in silence; Arthur didn’t look at him, not even once, while Merlin kept his gaze glued to Arthur’s silhouette. When Camelot’s towers appeared at the end of the road, Merlin knew that he had to find out what Arthur was thinking; he wouldn’t be able to once they were back at the castle and he couldn’t let that happen._

 _“Arthur…”_

 _He almost didn’t recognise his own voice after all the hours spent in silence. When Arthur didn’t turn, Merlin felt anger bubbling up inside of him, pressing against his ribcage._

 _“Arthur! You’ve got to answer me!”_

 _At that Arthur finally turned around; his eyes were hard but Merlin could see the deep shadow in the usually clear azure._

 _“Don’t. Don’t ask me things that I cannot give you, Merlin!”_

 _Merlin swallowed, the anger quickly morphing into something different, something that made his eyes warmer and wetter._

 _“Arthur…”_

 _“Merlin, please.”_

 _With that he turned and kicked his horse. Merlin followed, his heart heavy and hurting._

 _After that, there hadn’t been any other conversation about Merlin’s magic . Arthur hadn’t told the king or anyone else. As weeks passed Arthur’s jokes were back, but from then on there had always been a distance between them that Merlin didn’t know how to cross, that he didn’t have the strength or the courage to close._

Merlin sighed and tried to push those thoughts away. He passed a hand through his hair and followed the other two men.

*

Arthur waited for Merlin to leave the room before lowering himself in the tub. The water was perfectly warm and once more he wished he didn’t know how Merlin managed to do that. He sighed and closed his eyes, sinking deeper into the water.

The warmth slowly loosened the knots in his spine and muscles. He wished it could be the same with his heart; he wanted- he _needed-_ to open up to Merlin again. He missed what they used to share, but at the same time he couldn’t bring himself to lower the barriers that he built around himself after the discovery.

He had changed for Merlin, he became a better person, because he never had a friend before and he wanted to keep Merlin close, to keep him there. And yet the very person for whom he had pulled down all of his defences had been the one to betray him.

Time passed and the water got cold; only then did Arthur get up, shivering slightly. He didn’t wait for Merlin to come and help him dress for the night; he blew out the candle and slid under the covers. Outside the moon was pale and high in the sky.

Many times over the past years Arthur had imagined falling asleep with Merlin by his side; he had imagined what it would be like to be able to spend his life with Merlin, because somehow he had been able to carve a place for himself right at the centre of Arthur’s heart.  

But now things were completely upside down; there was no way they could go back to the way it used to be, right? Arthur understood that magic wasn’t all evil, even though it had taken time to free himself from the stories and the ideas that his father pushed forcefully inside his mind. When it came to Merlin, though, the problem wasn’t really the magic. It was the fact that he had hidden it from Arthur for years, even though they were supposed to be f _riends,_ even though Arthur dreamt that they could become something more.

When he heard the door opening, Arthur knew that it was Merlin coming to check on him, so he just laid there, faking sleep. Then he heard a soft sigh and the door closed again; he tried his best to bury the memory of that sigh, because he couldn’t afford to wonder whether Merlin was as upset about it all as he was.

There weren’t patrols to lead nor councils to attend in the following days. Arthur tried to keep himself busy hunting or simply practicing. Sometimes he would walk along the corridors or across the courtyard and his gaze would find Merlin’s skinny silhouette. On those days Merlin’s smiles and big blue eyes would be the only thing he was able to think about until night came and sleep mercifully stopped the twisting of his thoughts.

As time passed, Arthur started to notice, the way Merlin and Gwaine seemed to be very close to each other. Princes weren’t supposed to have their manservants as friends and they weren’t supposed to be jealous of their knights. Arthur knew it all too well. Still he couldn’t stop his heart from sinking a bit lower every time that he saw the two men together, laughing easily, smiling at each other without worries or barriers.

Sometimes Arthur would sit in silence in his room and would daydream about the possibilities between  Merlin and himself if there hadn’t been magic running through Merlin’s veins, if he wasn’t supposed to become king. He wished he could find a way to reconcile these things, but he wasn’t able to and it hurt. Sometimes he felt as if he was trapped underneath a thick layer of snow and ice, waiting for the spring to come and melt everything away setting him free.

One day during practice, he was observing the young recruits when his gaze found Merlin and as it often happened, he wasn’t able to tear his eyes away. Merlin was laughing- his eyes shining like two half-moons- and leaning slightly into Gwaine as he offered some water to the knight. It was then that Arthur noticed it, the way Gwaine’s eyes were soft as he looked at Merlin and the way the warlock’s cheeks were tinged pink. Arthur knew that he shouldn’t have such a reaction but he couldn’t help the way his ribcage seemed to tighten around his heart or the way the air left his lungs suddenly. He knew he had a duty to carry on, but he felt so heavy and out of place that the only solution was to turn and walk away.

*

Merlin turned when he realized that the sound of sword against sword had stopped. The recruits and the knights were looking at each other, whispering. Merlin gazed at Gwaine, not understanding what had happened; the knight tilted his head towards the castle. Looking in that direction, Merlin saw the prince disappearing under the great arch. Suddenly, it was as if the air had grown colder; Merlin bit his lip and lowered his gaze to the ground. The snow was dirty and grey under his boots.

Gwaine’s hand on his shoulder was warm and solid and Merlin glanced up. Snow had started to fall without him noticing and snowflakes got stuck in the knight’s hair. Merlin’s lip quirked up; for an instant he wondered if Gwaine could read what was shining in his own eyes. _I’m happy that you’re here with me._

“It seems that practice is over, considering that our prince has disappeared.”

Merlin tried hard to smile, but failed. Gwaine quirked an eyebrow and leaned closer.

“Are you alright, Merlin?”

“Y-yeah. I was just thinking that I’ve got to go help Gaius.”

Gwaine nodded and passed a hand through his hair; if Merlin hadn’t known him better he would swear that his cheeks got redder as he spoke.

“I’ll walk you there, then.”

Merlin opened his mouth to protest, but there was something soft in the knight’s eyes, something which made him feel warm even though the snow was still falling around them. They walked in comfortable silence through the citadel. Once in the castle, Merlin casted a quick glance at the stairs leading to the upper floor but then Gwaine’s hand brushed against his own and he couldn’t focus on anything else.

They stopped in front of Gaius’ workshop.

“Thank you, my knight in shiny armour!”

Gwaine grinned and Merlin couldn’t help but notice the way his eyes crinkled at the corners or the way they shone brighter.  Gwaine quickly looked around and Merlin tilted his head to the side wondering what he was plotting. When the knight leaned down until their noses were almost touching, Merlin blinked, trying to think straight through the fog clouding his mind at the feeling of Gwaine so close.  

Everything stopped the moment Gwaine closed the distance between them.  He didn’t kiss as Merlin had allowed himself to imagine now and then. The knight kissed him gently and almost shyly, just a light brush of lips and Merlin was surprised to realise that he wanted more. He looked up right into brown eyes but then it was as if someone was tugging at him and for an instant all he could see were hurt azure eyes.

“S-Sorry, I’ve got to go.”

Gwaine’s hand was big and warm around his wrist and Merlin took a deep breath before turning around again.

“Merlin…”

The young warlock swallowed dry, he wanted nothing more than to kiss away the worry on Gwaine’s face, but at the same time he felt so heavy; his feelings for Arthur, that unnamed knot of emotions that he had been carrying inside for years, made it impossible for him to reach out.

“Gwaine, I…please, I can’t…”

Gwaine’s brow furrowed and he didn’t release Merlin’s wrist.

“Why? I thought…”

And really Merlin had thought that too; he wasn’t dumb, he knew that the attraction that he felt for Gwaine was something that wasn’t supposed to exist within the boundaries of a simple friendship. He had thought that he could just move on, leave what he felt for Arthur behind, especially after his magic had been discovered and the frail thing existing between them had shattered into pieces.

He was too tired to pick them all up and glue them together again, and yet they remained there, scraping his hands and his feet. Sometimes he wondered if his destiny  was not only to help Arthur but also to suffer over and over because of him; if somewhere it had been written that he would fall for the man whom he was supposed to protect.

“I…”

 _I want to be free to be with you, but I know that I will never be._

“It’s because of Arthur, isn’t it?”

Merlin felt his eyes grow wider. Was it so obvious? He bit his lower lip trying to avoid Gwaine’s gaze, but the knight squeezed his wrist tighter; the skin that his fingers were touching felt on fire.

“Gwaine…it’s not that simple, I…”

“It is simple if you want to!”

The knight sighed and let go of Merlin taking a small step back.

“Please don’t be like that…”

Merlin had never seen Gwaine angry and to see the hurt and the anger in his hazel eyes made him feel as if a wall had just crashed on his shoulders.

“Don’t…don’t ask me that, Merl, not when you know what I…what I feel for you.”

He turned without awaiting a reply and all Merlin could do was slump against the stone wall and stare at the now empty spot in front of him.

*

Gwaine felt stupid and even though he didn’t want to admit it, he also felt a bit broken, deep down, in that corner of his heart where he allowed very few people to dwell. Truth be told he hadn’t expected Merlin to reach that place; the few who had made it had always been women and Gwaine had been taken aback when he had realised that he probably had fallen for Merlin harder than he had ever fallen for any woman.

It wasn’t something he had been able to control; it had just happened. Merlin filled the space of his days and the small corners of his mind. At first Gwaine thought that he was a nice and funny guy, but then he had started to realise there was more about Merlin, something that he could not define or pinpoint, but it was there, making everything that Merlin did or say deeper. Gwaine didn’t even try to deny it or to resist; he just let the other man pull him in until the desire to kiss him overwhelmed him.

So he did it and Merlin’s lips felt exactly as he had imagined, well not really because they were even better. To have him so close, to breathe the same air as him, made Gwaine feel as if the rest of the castle, the rest of the world, didn’t exist anymore.

When Merlin told him he was sorry, he felt emptier than he ever had before. He should have expected it, but it had hurt anyway. He was Merlin’s friend and he noticed almost from the beginning that there was something d _eeper_ in his relationship with Arthur. Gwaine had lived and seen enough things to know that what they had built between them surely wasn’t a normal relationship between master and servant, nor a normal friendship.

But what he and Merlin had was special too and important, Gwaine knew that much. Even though he knew that Merlin was upset because of how cold and distant Arthur had become over the last month, a part of him was happy that he could spend more time with him. It was probably stupid, but he couldn’t help it; somehow Merlin turned him into an adolescent with love problems. But Merlin had done so much more than that; he had managed to make Gwaine better, he had managed to make him believe in friendship and relationships again, after years spent alone, wandering around the country.

He closed his eyes and flopped backwards onto the mattress. Merlin’s face swam behind his eyelids, his words ringing in his ears. He already knew that he couldn’t let go, not just yet, and if to have Merlin he had to share him with Arthur, then so be it.

*

Arthur’s knees almost gave away and he slumped against the stone wall. He pressed the heel of his hands hard against  his eyelids, but it didn’t make the images go away. Gwaine’s lips over Merlin’s seemed to have been carved right into his brain.

After a while he forced himself to move. Gwaine was gone and the door to Gaius’ workshop was closed. It felt as if the blood in his veins ran cold; he walked back to his chambers barely aware of his surroundings.

He knew that it was childish, but all he could think about was that he should have been the one to kiss Merlin, to hold him. He had desired it for years, d _reamt_ it even. He hadn’t expected it to hurt so much, to sink so deep. That night he lay awake trying to push away the memories of the kiss that he had witnessed. He was still awake when dawn arrived and all he could think of was that he wanted time to go back, to when there were only the two of them, Merlin and him, without magic, without people who could take the other man away from him.

Everything inside of him- his heart, his lungs, his stomach- screamed at him that he had to do something, because being stuck in limbo was certainly going to  drag him down and he couldn’t afford that, he couldn’t let himself fall because he was supposed to be strong for Camelot, for Gwen. He was supposed to become a king by whose side Merlin would be glad to be.

The funny thing- well more like the despairing one- was that Arthur might be good at war strategies, but when it came to his own feelings he was aware he was more like a child than a man. Somehow it had always been easy for him to be respected, but no one had ever come close enough to make it necessary for him to prove to be a good friend. Of course, Merlin had to be the one and Arthur failed. He failed when he hadn’t noticed Merlin was keeping something so big hidden day after day, when he hadn’t been able to tell him that he accepted him, that it just made him even more special than he already was. He failed because he had fallen in love with Merlin and that certainly made it harder for him to be a good friend.

There were too many things that he had to fix, so the only way possible seemed to be the slow one.

The day slipped by silently and when Merlin came to wake him the following morning, Arthur made that he was already awake and dressed; actually that part hadn’t been so hard, considering that the simple fact that he decided to _do_ something about the whole situation had been enough to keep him awake most of the night. He smiled at the surprise showing on his manservant’s features, then he motioned for Merlin to come closer and when he put the breakfast tray on the table he asked him to sit down.

To see the hope and surprise reflected in Merlin’s eyes made Arthur hurt, because he didn’t want Merlin to feel as if his kindness was something unusual, rare even. He swallowed it all down, though, and focused on his mission.

“Good morning, Merlin.”

Alright, maybe that wasn’t the most brilliant start.

“Uhm…Good morning, Arthur?”

Merlin tilted his head to the side and the prince had to push the word _adorable_ out of his mind. He had to be careful not to screw everything up for a second time. Not trusting his own voice, he pushed the tray towards Merlin, who, oblivious as always, quirked an eyebrow.

Arthur sighed, a smile already threatening to break out.

“C’mon, eat something. It’s too much for me anyway.”

Well, it wasn’t exactly how it was supposed to come out, but it was better than nothing. Merlin looked at him, all wide eyes.

“Are…are you sure?”

“Of course, I am.”

They ate together in silence; Arthur felt something warm bubble behind his lungs at the thought that it was the first time they had eaten together since the day he had discovered Merlin’s secret and reality hit Arthur full force. It felt good, it felt like _home_. When Merlin finished eating and got up, Arthur almost leaned forward to grab his wrist and make him stay. Before closing the door, Merlin flashed him a small, shy smile. It made Arthur feel as if he had just won a tournament.

*

Merlin walked back to the kitchens without even realising where he was going. His legs moved on autopilot, as his brain was too busy replaying the moments he just spent with Arthur. It was weird how it seemed like something new when just a few months before it had been the normalcy of their relationship, if their relationship could have ever been called normal.

Somehow it felt as though everything inside of him had slotted into the right place; he felt lighter, finally. But then, as it had already happened many times since he woke up, memories of Gwaine’s lips blossomed in his mind, so vivid and traitorous.

The thing was that Merlin really cared for the knight, he really did, and he wouldn’t be lying if he said that he had thought about being with him; but on the other hand…,on the other hand there was Arthur, and that summed it all up. Arthur with his strength and his frailty, Arthur whom Merlin had learnt to respect; Arthur who seemed to have stolen Merlin’s heart without any intention of giving it back.

Merlin deliberately hit hard the wall on his left after he had exited the kitchen. He grunted in pain, but he didn’t really care. What he was focused on was the fact that he had to do something or the whole situation would drive him crazy.

As he was crossing the courtyard heading for the market, a thought crossed his mind. He wondered if his only option was to choose between the two of them, between his friend and his destiny. He knew it was childish and selfish, but he couldn’t help it. What he felt for the two men was clearly different, but both of them were important to him, so important that he actually couldn’t imagine his life without them.

For the rest of the day he carefully tried to avoid Gwaine, or at least to avoid being alone with him. Not because he didn’t want to be close to the other man, but because he didn’t trust himself enough and he knew that he would probably end up doing things without thinking.

At practice he sat on a bench on the left side of the field, trying to focus on the swords twirling and on the recruits moving around, but Arthur’s voice cut through it all, as Gwaine’s smooth movements seemed to shine among the ones of the other knights. Merlin groaned with frustration and was about to get up to go and have a walk to calm his nerves when someone stepped right in front of him. He lifted his gaze and something inside of him trembled, surprised, at the sight of Arthur, standing there, concern evident in his eyes.

“Is everything alright, Merlin?”

What Merlin wanted to say was: “ _No I’m not alright, because having you so close again makes me feel all wrong!_ ”, but what came out was a broken “y-yes.” And, really, Merlin knew that he wasn’t supposed to be staring at Arthur like that, but what could he do? Arthur must have realised that something was off, though, because he quirked an eyebrow and took hold of Merlin’s elbow, pulling him up on his feet.

“Arthur? What…”

Arthur didn’t seem to listen. He told Sir Leon that he was in charge for the rest of the practice and dragged Merlin towards the armoury.

Inside the building it was warmer; it smelt of leather and polishing oil. Merlin looked at Arthur as he closed the door and turned around.

“Arthur? Why did you drag me in here?”

Arthur shook his head slightly; Merlin couldn’t help but notice the way the candle light caught in the gold of his hair.

“Because you weren’t telling the truth out there.”

Hearing Arthur speaking about truth made painful memories come back, memories of nights spent awake, wondering if Arthur would ever forgive him. Merlin swallowed hard; his heart felt heavy at the thought that he would have to lie to Arthur again, because what could he say?   _“No I didn’t tell the truth, because the truth is that I’m in love with you?”_

“W-What do you mean?”

Arthur sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers.

“What I mean is that I don’t believe that you’re alright, Merlin. And maybe you could stop lying to me, you idiot!”

Merlin opened and closed his mouth. It probably was one of the first times Arthur had ever been so open with him. It touched something deep inside Merlin and he felt his magic moving inside, as if it was responding to what Arthur had just said.

“I…Arthur...”

A shiver ran up Merlin’s spine as the prince took a step closer and the tension between them became so strong that he could feel the hair on his arms rising. Then, Arthur’s hands were warm and gentle on his shoulders.

“Merlin, look…I know I’ve been an…idiot. I’ve put all this stupid distance between  us and…I promise I’ll try harder.”

Merlin stood there hopeless, looking straight into Arthur’s sincere eyes. He realised that he had never wanted to kiss the other man as much as he wanted to now. When Arthur leaned a bit closer, Merlin was sure that his heart had stopped working and all he could do was hold his breath.  Arthur squeezed his shoulders gently before speaking.

“Please, let’s start again.”

Merlin felt his throat grow tighter; he never dared hope that Arthur would ask him something like that. He was almost afraid that if he spoke, everything would be less real; maybe he was dreaming it after all. So he simply nodded. Arthur’s brilliant smile made him ache with the desire to reach out and pull him closer.

Merlin took a deep breath; it got lost in his lungs, though, when Arthur pulled him into a hug. He fought the desire to lean into the touch, but in the end he closed his eyes and hid his face against Arthur’s neck for a brief moment. It felt so _right_ , but then Arthur was backing away, his cheeks redder and Merlin had to let go.

They walked back to the field side by side. Merlin kept stumbling because he was trying to look at Arthur from out of the corner of his eye.

*

Gwaine kept walking back and forth, as the others went on with the practicing. He had already forced three recruits to surrender and Sir Leon had told him that he had to cool off.

When Arthur dragged Merlin away, for an instant Gwaine thought to follow them but, despite what he felt for Merlin, he was aware that he _couldn’t_ step in between him and Arthur. If someone asked him why, he wouldn’t have been able to give a proper answer; it was simply that he could feel how tight the bond between them was, even though he couldn’t understand it. He probably never would.

Moreover Arthur was his prince, his future king. He had learnt to respect him, to accept his stubbornness, to admire his bravery. He understood how much Arthur needed Merlin by his side, probably more than Arthur himself did.

He passed a hand through his hair and took in a deep breath; the cold air burnt down his throat. He wished he could let go. As he saw Arthur and Merlin walking towards the field, he understood that he couldn’t. He knew that it might sound stupid, but he wanted to be part of _something_ with Merlin, and, well, it was crystal clear that being with Merlin meant sharing this something with Arthur.

That night after dinner at the tavern with the other knights, he went to look for Merlin. It was still early and he knew that the other man was probably still attending Arthur and the King at dinner. He waited patiently near the kitchens, hoping that sooner or later Merlin would come down there to fetch more wine or food.

As he had imagined, it didn’t take long before the other man turned the corner, carrying a heavy-looking tray. Gwaine had spent enough time with Merlin to notice the way he held his head higher and the way he seemed somehow lighter. It hurt a bit to think that it was because of Arthur, but it also felt a bit like relief, because it was good to know that Merlin was feeling better, that he hadn’t lost Arthur.

Merlin’s eyes grew wider as he spotted him and Gwaine quickly raised a hand to stop him from talking, to stop him from worrying.  Merlin took a few steps closer. Gwaine smiled at the concerned expression Merlin was wearing; it was nice to know that the other man was worried about him.

“I think you should drop the tray first.”

Merlin quickly glanced down; when he lifted his gaze, he was grinning.  The sight made Gwaine feel warm all over.

When Merlin came out of the kitchens they walked a bit down the corridor, till they reached a small alcove. Gwaine could tell that Merlin was nervous; he kept picking the hem of his shirt without saying a word. He swallowed and hesitantly brought his hand up to rest on Merlin’s cheek. The other man took in breath sharply but didn’t move.

“Look, Merlin….I don’t want you to be worried about me. To be…scared.”

Merlin shook his head; his hair brushed against Gwaine’s palm and the knight couldn’t help but smile.

“I could never be scared of you, Gwaine. Never. That’s not the point…the fact is…”

“I know. I can’t ask you to choose. You simply can’t and I understand that.”

He watched as Merlin opened and closed his mouth. He knew he had been right from the shadow in the other man’s eyes.

“But…”

Gwaine took a step towards Merlin, slightly pressing him against the stone wall.

“It’s alright, Merlin. “

And he knew he truly meant it, because it was alright to share Merlin with Arthur if that meant having Merlin, kissing him, loving him. If the man to whom Merlin was tied was Arthur, well it was something that Gwaine could accept because he was the prince, because he already shone brighter than anyone else.

“I could never…I could never ask you that, Gwaine. I…I really like you, you know that…but that doesn’t mean I can…”

Gwaine shook his head and leaned down until his lips were almost brushing against Merlin’s, his heart beating like a drum in his ribcage.

“I’m the one telling you that it’s alright. “

He closed the distance between them and kissed Merlin, feeling as if he might explode because of the force of what he was feeling for this man, because he had never given himself up completely to anyone else.

When they broke apart, breathing heavily, Gwaine simply looked into Merlin’s eyes, as if all the answers to the mysteries of the world could be found there.

*

Merlin blinked, trying to clear his thoughts over the thundering sound his blood was making. He briefly wondered how it was possible for Gwaine to do this to him, to turn him into a  puddle of want and longing.  But he had to talk, to clear things up, he needed to.

“Gwaine, I...are you sure?”

The knight nodded and Merlin swallowed.

“But…you know that…I won’t be able to stop feeling…that way for Arthur, right? Even though there’s nothing between me and him, I…”

Gwaine chuckled and Merlin felt even more confused than he already had.

“What…why are you laughing?”

Gwaine looked straight at him and Merlin felt his knees tremble under the intensity of his gaze.

“I’m laughing because you’re so oblivious sometimes, Merlin. Between you and Arthur…what exists between the two of you…it’s not nothing at all. I’d say it’s everything.”

As Gwaine stepped back Merlin leaned forward, trying to stop him, not only because he wanted the other man to be close, but also because having him there would have meant not having to think about what he had just said. Gwaine gently pushed him back, though, a soft expression in his hazel eyes.

“Don’t worry, Merlin. I’ll be here. I’ll always be. Just…just go and talk to him.”

Merlin watched as he turned and quickly walked towards the end of the corridor. He felt cold and lost; slumping against the wall, all he could think about was that he hoped that Gwaine was right. That things could turn out to be okay, even though now they simply seemed a huge, unsolvable mess.

Days passed. Merlin kept sharing his free time with Gwaine, but he also went back to spending a lot of his time with Arthur,  accompanying him out to hunt or on patrol. It felt a bit like the old days, except that it wasn’t. Now Arthur knew about his magic, now Arthur seemed to have accepted it. Now Merlin understood that he would never be able to erase what he felt for Arthur. He had tried and he had failed. Gwaine’s words had made him understand that.

Sometimes it was exhausting, this constant feeling of being pulled towards the prince; sometimes Merlin almost wished he could let go and get lost in Arthur’s orbit. Instead he waited, standing on the edge, until he couldn’t take it anymore.

It was a sunny day, even though it was the middle of February and still cold. Merlin woke up with the feeling of Gwaine’s lips on his still lingering. They had been doing this for a while, simply kissing when the day came to an end, holding each other, waiting. It was weird, because all Merlin wanted was to be free to nurse these feelings, but at the same time he knew that it wouldn’t work without Arthur, that _he_ wouldn’t work without him. He sighed and pressed the heel of his hands against his eyelids.

While he was getting ready to go and fetch the prince’s breakfast, he suddenly remembered what he had dreamt about. He had dreamt about Arthur, about them walking along a path, through fields and hills and cities, without stopping, hand in hand. He swallowed the lump that formed in his throat and pushed the door of his room opened.

“It was about time you woke up!”

Merlin lifted his gaze and stopped dead in his tracks.

“Arthur? What…what are you doing here?”

He quickly scanned the room to see if Gaius was there, but the old man was nowhere to be seen. When he focussed on Arthur again, the other man was looking at the floor as he shifted his weight from one leg to the other. Merlin took a tentative step forward; he was taken aback when Arthur lifted his gaze.

“I’ve got to talk to you, Merlin.”

*

Arthur had thought about it, night and day; the more he and Merlin went back to how it used to be, the more he became certain that he had to tell the other man what he felt. It was nonsense to keep it all inside when it was so big it made his ribcage hurt with the effort to contain it. After the umpteenth night spent dreaming of golden eyes and ink-black hair, he had decided he had had enough.

Standing in front of Merlin, though, was a completely different story; he couldn’t help the way his whole body seemed to tremble at the edges. To finally be so close to the truth made scared him.

When the words left his mouth, he knew he had to go on until the end. He took a deep breath before turning and motioning Merlin to follow him. He walked in silence, without turning back; the sound of Merlin’s boots against the floor was enough to let him know that the other man was following. It was hard to hear that small sound, though, over the rushing of his blood and the twisting of his thoughts.

He stopped only when they reached the bastions. There wasn’t a proper reason why he had chosen that place to finally open himself up to Merlin. Maybe it was because they had shared many moments together there, standing under the walls of the castle, under the blue cover of the sky. Moments spent trying to convey something deep and precious without succeeding; every time it had ended up with a joke or a half-hug and all the important things had been left buried deep inside. But not this time. This time it would be different, it _needed t_ o be different.

Merlin stood there, right in front of him, the light of the sun splashing all around him, making him look like one of those statues Arthur had seen inside churches; so beautiful to seem untouchable.

“Merlin…”

He had simply said the other’s name and already had the feeling he had poured all of his heart into it.

“Arthur…is everything alright?”

Arthur nodded; he knew he had to blurt it all out, otherwise they would end up talking about nothing, circling the matter without reaching it as they had done so many times over the years.

“No…it isn’t.”

Alright, maybe that hadn’t been the best start, because Merlin’s eyes were filled with concern.

“What has happened? You can tell me, you know that.”

Arthur took a deep breath and shook his head.

“Let me start again…the thing is…lately things haven’t been alright, because…because of you and of me and…God, I’m not good at this but…what I want to say is that…”

Sighing in frustration, he cursed his stupid brain. Merlin was still standing there, all big blue eyes and questions and Arthur could think of only one way to answer them.

Hoping that he hadn’t gotten everything wrong he slowly moved closer, stopping when he heard Merlin’s breath hitching. He looked into the other man’s eyes but what he saw wasn’t fear or shock; what he saw there was something that mirrored what he knew was probably twirling in his own eyes.  He gently closed the distance between them.

It was the first time he had ever kissed Merlin, even though he had spent years wondering how it would feel and hating himself for both having these thoughts and for not having the courage to find out.

Well, kissing Merlin felt like floating, or at least how Arthur imagined floating would feel. Merlin’s fingers were warm when he cupped Arthur’s face; the prince leant into the touch without a second thought.

*

To have Arthur’s strong arms around him, to have his lips against his own, felt surreal. The only thing that made Merlin sure that it was really happening  was the way his magic slammed against his ribcage as the prince ran his tongue over his lower lip.

Kissing Arthur made the whole world disappear; every single thought was blown away, except for Gwaine. It didn’t feel wrong , though, to want to kiss both of them, to want to share his heart with them. They were like the sun and the moon and Merlin couldn’t help loving them both.

When Arthur pulled back for air, Merlin kept him close, pressing their foreheads together.

“I…I never dared to hope that you could feel the same as me.”

Arthur smiled, one of those soft and secret smiles that he rarely showed to other people.

“The same goes for me, Merlin.”

“But, what about the magic? And you’re the prince, I…”

“Shh. Me being the prince doesn’t have anything to do with us, and your magic, well…it just makes you even more special.”

Merlin felt lighter than he had ever felt; he hadn’t realised how much he had needed to hear those words. Once again his thoughts went to Gwaine, though, to his kindness and to his strength. He knew that now Arthur and he had somehow shifted closer, maybe things could start to work properly for all of them. Maybe people who looked at them from outside wouldn’t be able to understand the meaning of it all, how deep their affection for each other ran, but Merlin didn’t find any reason to care about what others could think.

*

Gwaine looked at the two men sitting on his bed; he wasn’t surprised when he felt warmth spreading through him at the sight of their smiles. In the end, he had known for a while now, what he felt for Merlin was so much more than friendship and what he felt for Arthur was more than respect.

It started slowly, just shy tentative touches. He had been used to touching Merlin by now, at least cupping his face and carding his fingers through black hair. Touching Arthur, though, was a completely different story. At the beginning he simply covered the prince’s hand with his own as he kissed Merlin. He couldn’t help to think that Arthur’s skin was soft, to wonder how it would feel to press his lips over the pulse point of the other man’s wrist.

Watching Merlin kissing Arthur was at the same time strange and beautiful, but what made Gwaine’s heart jump inside his chest was the feeling of Arthur’s fingers squeezing back. They had never touched like that, so openly and freely; it made Gwaine’s blood boil with desire.

When Merlin and Arthur broke apart, Merlin shifted on the mattress until he was kneeling beside Gwaine,  whispering in his ear.

“You can…you can kiss him if you want, Gwaine.”

The knight turned and looked right inside the other man’s blue eyes; Merlin smiled gently at him before leaning forward and pressing a soft kiss to his cheek.

Then Merlin was shifting farther up the bed, resting his back against the wall, and Gwaine was left staring at Arthur. The prince’s hair was tousled, his eyes seemed more azure than ever. As he had done so many times in his life, he decided to follow what his heart and his instinct were yelling at him to do. He leaned forward, his eyes searching Arthur’s face, looking for a hint of what he was feeling, of what he wanted. Arthur smiled before moving closer, until their noses were almost brushing.

“I would have thought you were more…straightforward, Gwaine.”

The knight grinned, as Arthur’s low voice made a shiver ran down his spine.

“The same goes for you, s _ire_.”

Arthur took him by surprise closing the gap and pressing their lips together firmly. The first thought that crossed Gwaine’s mind was that Arthur kissed as he fought; all precision and energy. It made heat pool at the bottom of his stomach. When they broke the kiss for air a smile played on the prince’s lips.

“It’s Arthur to you.”

Gwaine’s laughter mixed with Merlin’s.

*

Arthur shivered as Merlin’s gentle hands removed his tunic. Being undressed by the other man wasn’t something new, and yet this time it was completely different. He could swear that he felt Merlin’s magic pouring into him as the warlock trailed his fingertips over his nipples and down his stomach.

Gwaine’s hands were different from Merlin’s; they were bigger and somehow heavier. They made something tremble inside of him; they made him become harder as Merlin’s teeth grazing at his neck. It was overwhelming, and Arthur let himself go, abandoned himself to it, feeling more free and happier than ever.

To see Merlin naked, looking up at him with those eyes of his, made Arthur’s heart skip a beat. Over the rushing sound of blood in his ears he silently thanked whatever deity was up there, because he couldn’t believe that such an incredible creature wanted to be kissed, to be touched, to be _loved_ by him.

And then there were Gwaine’s strong arms around his waist, Gwaine’s firm lips trailing kisses down his spine. Arthur would have never believed that one day he could be drawn in so much by the mystery that was his knight. Or that he would be so turned on by the sight of Gwaine tracing Merlin’s lips with his tongue, pressing their naked bodies together as if they were meant to be a single being.

Having Gwaine’s hands touching him where no other man had ever touched him before, made something derail inside of Arthur and all that he could do was moaning and drowning even more in Merlin’s kisses. He felt as if he was rolling through fire, his skin hot and his heart beating like a drum.

*

Merlin closed his eyes and tried to remember how to breathe. It hurt, but having Arthur inside of him made him want to cry because of how much it meant, because of how his magic responded to it, roaring along his veins.

He smiled as Gwaine gently guided Arthur; the knight’s kindness and devotion made his heart swell. When Arthur had slid all the way inside of him, Merlin took a deep breath and opened his eyes. Both Arthur and Gwaine were looking at him, their eyes almost shining in the half-light of the candles. It made him feel as if he were the centre of the world.

“I love you.”

The words slipped over his tongue, but he knew he didn’t need to explain they were meant for the both of them. Gwaine smiled before leaning down and kissing him. Arthur moved slowly inside of him, just a little, before whispering “I love you too, Merlin.”

It was perfect.

As Arthur started moving inside of him, everything around Merlin seemed to disappear-the sheets, the bed, the room- everything except for Gwaine. They kept their gazes locked as Arthur moved inside of him and Gwaine touched himself. As Merlin arched his back, meeting Arthur’s thrusts one by one, he couldn’t help to think that the two men were beautiful, that they were all he could ever desire.

When Arthur came deep inside of him, Merlin’s magic erupted, flowing through and out of him, splashing over their naked bodies.

As the prince was carefully sliding out of him, Merlin brushed their lips together.

“I…I’ll always be yours, Arthur.”

It was barely a whisper but Arthur smiled and Merlin felt as if he was bathing in warm light.

*

Entering Merlin felt like nothing he had ever experienced in his whole life. Feeling the warmth that Arthur had left inside of the other man didn’t feel strange; it felt _perfect_ instead.

“I knew you had something special hidden inside of you, Merl.”

Merlin smiled up at him in between pants.

As they moved together, Gwaine couldn’t tear his eyes away from Merlin’s face, from his mouth, open as he moaned, from his eyes, shining with affection and lust tangled together.

They came together. Gwaine felt as if white fire was creeping through his bones.

And even though he knew that nothing could be as strong as what Merlin and Arthur had, even though he knew that what Merlin felt for Arthur ran somehow deeper, and was so powerful that he wouldn’t be surprised if it could transcend time, he felt happy because he could have them both in his life.

*

Their breathing calmed down, as their beating hearts did. But they remained there, their limbs tangled together. They didn’t say anything; they simply lay there, as sleep slowly took them, as Merlin’s magic kept caressing them through the night.

 

The End


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